Will Divorce Hurt Your Kids? The Answer is Yes.

But you’re asking the wrong question.

Today my son is sad because his parents are divorced.  

The details of the exact cause are fuzzy.  Conflict between his dad and I, sleep anxiety, new people in his life that bring both joy and stress.  The bottom line is that it’s all the things and none of the things.  The end result is that he didn’t go to school today.  He is in his room nursing emotional wounds and listening to a podcast while I sit with the fear that as a mom, I am not enough. 

When we decided to get divorced, of course this was one of my worries.  Like many women, I had held onto a marriage that was not what I needed because I didn’t want my kids to pay for my mistakes.  I cried while I drove and imagined them traipsing between houses with pain and fear trailing behind them.  I pictured holidays during which my two children and I stared silently at each other, none of us daring to mention the person who was missing.  Worse yet, I pictured holidays with me alone and them crying for me from some far away location. 

Today, my greatest fear is reality.  My children suffer.  Part of me always knew it was inevitable, but that in no way makes it less painful.   

I’ve come to realize, though, that when I asked myself if divorce would hurt my children, I was asking the wrong question.  Of course it will.  

The right question is this:  Was my marriage hurting my children?  What was I teaching them about contempt and love?  About codependence and fear?  What was I showing them of myself?  Of their father?  How would their lives have turned out with that broken map of marriage to guide them?

In choosing divorce, I decided that the hurt of divorce would be less than the hurt of living with parents made angry and sad by marriage.  In choosing divorce I chose to give them parents with a chance at the lives they want, rather than a mom and dad running out the clocks on their childhoods. 

When we got up this morning, it was clear that today would be one of the days where no amount of toxic positivity would coerce my son into putting his shoes on.   I wasn’t sure what to do.  I considered my options.  

Should I threaten? “NO BASEBALL PRACTICE TODAY IF YOU DON’T GO!”  

Perhaps bribery.  “Maybe after school we should get yogurt?”

Or there’s honesty with a side of guilt trip,  “I feel so alone when no one helps me get you guys to school.” 

Don’t think I didn’t seriously consider them all. I even considered just going in the bathroom with my coffee and sitting on the floor for a while failing at the Spelling Bee.  That failure feels so much more manageable than this one.

I discarded all those options, though.  I took my daughter to school.  I came home and held my son until he seemed calm.  I talked to him as best I could and I listened as best I could and then I just gave him what I think everyone deserves– someone seeing his humanity.  I let myself accept that today he needed the comfort of a day with his mom, and I was able to give it to him.

So yes, divorce has hurt my kids.  But I’m still betting that what they’ve gained will be a fair trade.