What if We Can't Get Along?

You've been asking yourself this question since you got the first inkling that you might want to get divorced. "What will happen to my kids if my ex and I can't get along?"

I hear this time after time from clients. Women wonder "If my husband and I can't agree while we're married, how much more difficult will it be for us to parent peacefully once we're divorced?" For many, the question of how conflictual things can get post-separation is part of what keeps them frozen in a marriage they'd rather leave. The truth is, parenting children together after you have decided your marriage is over isn't easy for most people. For some, it is downright torturous.

Conscious Uncoupling, put forth in the book by Katherine Woodward, suggests that each of us has the power to make a better divorce for ourselves and our kids through the principles of gratitude, generosity, self-examination, and respect. In addition, book after book give us strategies for co-parenting as a strong team. For many of us, with this movement has come the idea that all of us can have a beautiful divorce if we try hard enough. The specter of that divorce can leave us feeling as if we have failed, not just in marriage, but also in divorce.

When we put this strong emphasis on working together closely as co-parents, we run the risk of leaving out individuals for whom that level of connectedness just won't work. Some of us need more space in our divorces than a close model co-parenting allows. If you suspect this is you or your ex-partner, Parallel Parenting can be the answer.

Parallel parenting is a parenting approach that says "I know we need to work together, and I want to do that with as little contact as possible." Parallel parenting allows the space that many individuals need from their ex-spouses, especially those for whom the divorce was unwanted or who find interaction painful. This co-parenting structure allows for the idea that when everyone gets the space they need children will have happier, less conflictual relationships with both parents.

Some differences between Parallel Parenting and a closer model of Co-parenting:

	Close Co-Parenting	Parallel Parenting
Communication About Kids	Texts or calls freely when there are kid items to discuss	Agrees to a less immediate mode of communication like email or shared notes, and uses that communication sparingly
Celebrations	May have family dinners or holidays together	Limits time spent together as a whole family
Documentation	May lean away from extensive and concrete documentation regarding parenting decisions with the expectation that they will be approached with flexibility	Tries to institutionalize as many decisions as possible so that day-to-day contact is limited and fewer decisions need to be made real-time
Decision making on day-to-day issues	Decisions during separate residential time may be approached collaboratively	Decisions during separate residential time will be guided by shared values but will be decided by one parent without immediate input from the other
Access to co-parent’s homes for pickup of kids’ possessions	Might allow for easy access with only a quick text	Might require advanced notice or only be allowed when the other parent is home or not at all.

Of course, every situation is different and you and your children’s other parent will come to agreements and strategies that work for your family.  The important thing about these different approaches to co-parenting is that they can both give your kids a stable, healthy home from which to thrive.  A parallel parenting approach lets each parent set and enforce boundaries that allow them to feel safe and abundant, thereby benefiting the kids. 

You don’t have to feel guilty if you and your co-parent don’t want to spend a lot of time together or have regular interaction.  Parallel parenting is a good option.  Your kids can be okay.  

OurFamilyWizard offers more information about parallel parenting here.

If you want to talk with me about parenting, email me. You’ve got this.