The Hardest Day

Every parent has the same question just as soon as the dust settles on their decision to divorce.  “How will I tell my kids?”  For me, the three weeks between deciding to divorce and sharing that information with my children were absolute torture.  I was terrified of the looks on my kids’ faces when I told them.  I feared giving too much information or not enough.  I didn’t tell people from whom I needed support because I was too worried that my kids would hear it from someone else. The day we told our kids was the single hardest day of getting divorced, seconded closely by the weeks leading up to it.  

There were a few things that we did that I felt helped.  

1. We talked to a professional.  This allowed us to consider all the parts of the conversation.  We were in a lot of pain and meeting for a few sessions with a therapist was key in trying to get it right.  We met with a child therapist twice, but in retrospect, I would now choose a co-parenting counselor who has extensive experience in divorce. If someone asked me what is the most important step in telling the kids, I’d say this one. 

2. We made a plan together. This allowed us to be on the same page about the narrative our children needed to hear.  We learned from our therapist that the kids would benefit from a unified story about what was happening and it was our responsibility to work together towards that end.

3. We crafted a narrative that was both true and that was appropriate for kids.  We told the kids that our marriage had two parts– one that was about loving and caring for them, and a grownup part that was about romance, dating, sleeping together, etc.  The grownup part was coming to an end, but the part that was about taking care of them would always remain the same.   The narrative you tell will be specific to you, but the important part is that it’s true and that both partners can get behind it.

4. We told them what would happen next.   We told them we would be nesting and when that was starting. We told them that one of us would always be with them and that we’d each be with them half the time.  We told them what would stay the same (school, friends) and what would be different (we wouldn’t be romantic with each other anymore, most of their time would be with one of us rather than both of us)

5. We made a list of questions we thought they would ask and prepared to answer them.  It was remarkable how many of their questions we were able to predict and thereby answer well. 

A few things I wish I had done:

I wish I had asked more people what worked and didn’t work when they had this talk.

I wish I had read a resource or two, even as overwhelmed as I was feeling.  Here is a podcast on this topic.  Here is the book that has a chapter on this topic.

It will be hard to talk with your kids about your divorce.  If you do it well there won’t be just one conversation but many stretching into the years ahead as your kids grow and change because your story is part of their story.  If you want to connect on this topic email me at betsy@betsykellycoaching.com to talk or to join one of my divorce support groups for women.  This is the type of conversation we have.  You are not alone.