Nesting: A Divorce Decision Gone Right

So many of the decisions I’ve made in the process of divorce have gone wrong.  I mean, who wants to get divorced in the first place?  Deciding to get divorced itself can feel like something gone wrong.  As you embark on this herculean journey, it can seem as if there are nothing but bad choices.

The first challenge of separating was that of finding housing for my spouse and I.  We did not want to continue living together (the couch I’d started sleeping on was not comfortable), but we couldn’t immediately afford to get two places that would each house one parent and the children. 

More importantly, though, I couldn’t bear the thought that my children would face such a stark change in their living situation.  The idea of telling them we were divorcing felt near impossible.  To pile on top of that the need for them to go back and forth between homes just broke my heart.  Neither of them remembers any home before the one we were living in at the time.

Enter the idea of nesting.  I had vaguely heard of the concept, but did not have a firm grasp of the technicalities.  I did know that finding a place to stay for myself half the time seemed an easier prospect than finding a place for me and my kids to live long-term. 

The shape of nesting is different for every couple.  For us, it looked like half the time (Monday/Tuesday and every other weekend) my spouse would be in the house, and half the time (Wednesday/Thursday and every other weekend) I would be in the house. During the time I was away I would stay in a rented studio owned by a friend close to home.  When he was away he would stay in a hotel paid for by his work or in an airbnb that we paid for. 

We never thought that nesting would be a permanent solution, although I know that some couples choose that.  In the long-term, I think each of us needed our own space to call home that did not have the other in it.  We nested for a year, which felt like enough time for the kids to adjust to their new reality of divorced parents before needing to start living in an additional home.  

Things that felt good for me about nesting:

1. The kids (crushed as they were by the news of the divorce) would not need to start transitioning between homes right away.

2. The kids had a chance to adjust to being with one parent at a time in a familiar environment. 

3. I knew it would be easy to care for the kids well in our family home. 

4. The bar for temporary housing was much lower than the bar for finding something permanent, so it was easier and quicker to get started.

5. I was able to stop living with my spouse right away, which felt important.

6. I had a place of my own that didn’t have my kids or spouse in it.  This allowed me to really reclaim the parts of myself that I had lost in my marriage.

7. I got some experience with what it would be like for my kids when they started to transition between homes.

8. My spouse was able to be more selective about his long-term home because he wasn’t in need of immediate relocation.

9. Our need to interface at transitions between the houses kept us in communication with each other and this felt helpful.

Things that weren’t great about nesting:

1. I needed to live in two places (I could never find anything).

2. Sometimes my new space felt lonely with no evidence of my kids there.

3. My spouse expressed the feeling that our house no longer felt like home to him as we knew I would be staying there long-term.

4. It was expensive, although not as expensive as the eventual maintaining of two households we now do.

5. The closeness of both living in the same space even as we weren’t there at the same time sometimes led to conflict.

I’ve talked with other couples who engaged in nesting anywhere from a few months to 10 years.  For some it feels great, for others it is torture.  Some couples choose to share (often out of financial need) a small space that they take turns going to when they aren’t in the family home.  Some people choose to rely on the warm hospitality of friends for lodging during their non-kid time. 

What most people agree upon is that the kids having time to adjust without transitioning between homes was good for our babies. 

If you’re interested in nesting, we bought this book. While we didn’t need much of what it contained, it was good to have a reference when we weren’t sure about choices.  It’s well organized with many checklists and ideas about things to consider when you're starting the process. 

I’m glad we nested.  And I’m glad we’re done. 

If you have tried nesting and have thoughts, or if you’re considering nesting and have questions, please share in the comments below or email me at betsy@betsykellycoaching.com!  I've love to hear from you.