How to Say "I'm Getting Divorced."

In the days and months after I decided to end my marriage, uncertainty and distress were everywhere.  While I knew I was making the right decision for myself, it seemed as if one painful truth after another was being revealed.  I was battered day and night with new understandings that came to me screaming in my head.

“I’ll have to sell the house.”

“We might not get to take our family vacation next week.”

“My kids are going to wake up without me and cry.”

“I’ve slept in the bed with him for the last time.”

“I don’t know how to get health insurance.”

“My friends won’t invite me to dinner parties anymore.”

Sometimes I didn’t think I could bear it.

One such realization that came quickly was that I would need to begin telling people.  The thought of saying it felt both horrifying and liberating.  Part of me dreaded it, while another couldn’t wait to release the truth I had been holding for a long time.   My marriage was over.

I desired openness.  I hated the idea that people would be whispering about it, and I wanted them to hear it from me (I’m an expert on my own divorce) rather than from other friends who would be guessing at my inner life.

I suggested to my partner that we send an email to the neighbors telling them about it.  One of the things that is true about divorcing, though, is that if you have a hard time coming to agreement about things when you’re married, you are likely to have a hard time coming to agreement about things while you’re divorcing as well.  

Since my email suggestion didn’t fly with him, I decided to keep my next idea to myself and surreptitiously sent an iMessage to the women in my neighborhood. “You guys will notice that K and I are coming and going in different patterns now.  We have decided to divorce, and for the next while we will be taking turns staying at the house with the kids.  Please know we are working together to make things as easy as possible and that we’re all okay.  Feel free to bring it up with me– I don’t mind talking about it.”  The message felt like a relief.  This was how I wanted to engage with the world about my divorce.

People’s responses were mixed, but the vast majority of people expressed sadness or acknowledged loss.  I understand why.  There is no question that deciding to let go of expectations of forever is painful.  

Many people expressed some version of “But you guys looked so happy!”  My response was always, “Sometimes we were.”  I think this serves to illustrate the point that we never know what’s going on inside people’s marriages.  Most people are happy sometimes but the truth is those same people have pain, anger, frustration, betrayal, boredom, loneliness, fear, contempt, violence and myriad other difficult things hiding within their marriages.

I quickly understood that many people would see my marriage’s ending as something to distance themselves from.  If my marriage, which had looked good from the outside, could not survive, what did it say about theirs?  Many people seemed afraid.  They did not ask questions, and I could tell they were eager to change the topic.And some people cried.  They were sweet neighbors or friends who saw so much pain ahead for us and our children that they couldn’t hold back their sorrow.  To me their pain felt like daggers in a heart that was already hemorrhaging.  My hurt was monumental, and I did not have room for theirs. 

In the months and years since I first started telling people, I have heard so many different responses, and some felt great, and some did not.  Revealing that we are divorced has changed as time has passed– now I’m usually letting a new teacher know, or a new friend rather than someone who has known us as a married couple.   I’ve learned there are things I can do to make it more likely the exchange will go well.  

1. Preparing people and asking for what I need helps.  In the beginning one thing that worked well was to say “I’m going to tell you something that might come as a surprise and I’d love it if you could listen and ask questions rather than assuming you know how I feel.”  This gives people a chance to prepare themselves.  

2. How I share the information matters– I tried to use neutral language like “K and I have decided to end our marriage, and we’re all doing okay.”  This will get an “oh I’m sorry,” Which allows me to say “This is the best thing for all of us.”

3. I try to use the term “co-parent” rather than “ex-husband” when referring to my kids’ dad.  This centers the important part of our relationship– we are raising two beautiful kids together.

4. I tell new teachers or caregivers, “We are a two-household family.”  This telegraphs that we all consider ourselves family even in the wake of divorce. I thank my kids’ amazing school for teaching me this language.

5. If someone responds in a way that isn’t helpful for me, I try to gently let them know that I need something different.  “I hear that you're concerned but I don’t think it’s a horrible thing for us and I’d love it if we can talk about it that way.”

6. I try to remember that most people just want me to be happy, and aren’t so concerned with the details of my life (they have their own drama).  If I seem happy, most people will just get on board with my new way of being.

After a few years, now I sometimes forget that in the beginning sharing this information felt so difficult.  I am surprised when new people assume that I am married to my kids’ dad.  I think if someone had told me this in the beginning it would have felt like relief.  I hope it feels that way to someone reading this post.  Telling people you’re divorced won’t feel hard forever. 

Was there something you did when telling about your divorce that others might find helpful?  Share it in the comments below.